So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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