Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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