i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
