this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Pants are for mortals
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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