One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
