There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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