I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
