I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
