I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
