I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
