Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
