i would punch a child for taco bell
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
