we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can't put those talents on a resume
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
