it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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