Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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