im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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