Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Oh god it's open bar.
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