I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
