OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
