remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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