I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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