she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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