Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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