If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize