I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
