Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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