Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
