oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
