Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
