I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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