No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
