I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
