so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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