8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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