I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
