so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
