Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
