there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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