How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
