No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
the liver wants what the liver wants
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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