so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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