rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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