Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
