the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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