Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Of course I have a pirate flag
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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