The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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