Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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