his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He did a backflip because drugs
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
