i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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