I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
