you turned your livingroom into a bong?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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