Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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