my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What drink are we having for lunch?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
