I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
