I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
