I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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