I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
