Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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