Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
