I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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