im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
