after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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